#girltalk // are we having another baby

Hello Friends! Today's post is a little bit different than the norm. 
The #1 question I used to get asked through my entire life was "where's Ken?"... now, it has changed into "so, when are you guys having another baby?" Funny thing is, we have two babies! They just happen to be 19 years apart. Yep, that's right nineteen. And the older one will actually be 20 this summer! Eek!! About a year ago, we entertained the thought of having another one when Danica was 8 months old. We thought we had better hurry up and get this ship sailing because we are definitely not spring chickens anymore. (At the time, Hubs was 43 and I 37.) Well that convo/feeling did not last long. As our weekend away was crazy. I am going to be totally honest and tell you if we were younger and had more energy, I totally would. 
Prior to having little miss, I was never the girl that said I am getting married and having three kids. I was always on the fence and sort of had the attitude that if it's meant to be it will happen and if not then ok. Well, little did I know that I was headed to experience the most painful thing I had ever been through and all for good reason. (I know there is always worse but this was my worse!) When the pregnancy started, I was so so sick. At 12 weeks, I went back in for another routine check-up. The NP came in and we chatted about all my symptoms, what I should and should not be doing, how I got into the Nike Women's Half Marathon by lottery and how to help ease my morning sickness. She set me up to check the heartbeat again, which is the most exciting thing when you're pregnant as it's such a tiny bleep on this little screen and just makes you as the mama feel so at ease to know your little angel is growing inside. She took a little longer this time and it kind of freaked me out so I asked is everything alright? She replied back do you see it? And I said no, I don't know what I am looking for. She sighed and said its not there, I'm not finding it. What does that mean? I asked. I started getting really hot, almost like I was going to have a panic attack. My phone kept vibrating as my sis and hubs were checking in on me (hubs was on the east coast visiting an old friend and would be back in 2 days). Beads of sweat started balling up on my forehead and I could feel the tears welling up. Then like waterworks they started pouring out, uncontrollably. She said, I am sorry its gone............

If there were ever a time in life that time actually stopped, it was that moment! It froze!! The room spun around, my hearing went fuzzy, my heart plummeted and I wanted to barf all over the place and knock that lady the eff out all at the same time. She excused herself to go get the head OB and I started balling even more. What just happened? Where is my baby? She has got to be in there? Somewhere? What am I going to do? Aaron is out of state, 4th of July is in 2 days and we were heading to Lake Tahoe for a family vacation. The head OB came in and took a look. I knew he was going to find her in there. He had a very calm energy about him and spoke with a gentle ease. He did not find her. He too confirmed the heartbeat was gone. I had miscarried. At that very moment, I knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything in life. 

Yet, mixed with that knowing was fear, pain, failure, undeserving, nervousness that I would be good enough at parenting and crazy scared to death about miscarrying again. I have struggled internally and wanted to share this post since all of this happened but could not allow myself to pull the trigger. I felt like I had failed in some way, let myself down thinking it was me and thought that people would be ashamed of me. I remember, I would take a shower after it all happened and just cry until the hot water ran out. I would sob and sob at all different times through the day and would ask why me. Somehow at that time, I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I could not hold onto a life. But I have since come to peace and know it had nothing to do with me. There was a bigger plan. My sweet girl was on her own time frame and chose me when she was ready! 

Today's post is purely to share with you that 1- you never know what another person is going through or has been through (especially these days when it all looks perfect online and through social media), 2- If you ever have to go through this, you will totally understand the mixed feelings about all of it. And if you do not experience it then I urge you to pass on love, kindness and compassion to anyone you encounter that has. 3- I already had 90% of this written and yesterday, I met the sweetest girl and we both shared that we had been through this and I just knew today was the day to publish this post. I have now seen that since I have started to open up more about it and share my story, I now know it is so much more common then it is talked about. Yet why do we not talk about it? I am still trying to figure that one out. But just know that time heals all and it does get better and I got pregnant again 5 months later.

If you have been following along on Parlor Girl, then you know I had a very healthy, second pregnancy. I worked (doing hair) until I was 39 weeks and 3 days on my feet. I had a wonderful labor and have a very healthy, feisty, spirited, incredibly independent little girl who is the absolute love of my life.

 I also have to say I have the BEST hubs who was incredibly supportive, loving, kind and gentle during all of it, there are no words to describe my sister and her love and kindness, and the best family and friends a girl could ask for!! I love you all!!

I hope this post can help to give you hope, inspire you to keep going and/or ease your pain and worry. Allow yourself to go through your emotions and know it is not you! Miscarriage should not be hush hush and considered a bad thing. I am so sorry that it is still treated that way these days. Because to me, once you're pregnant, you're already a mama. You feel it, know it, believe it and love that little being from the beginning. When the unthinkable happens, please know you're not alone, please don't be afraid to talk about it because you never know who else has already traveled that path. Women are amazing beings and what does not kill us definitely makes us stronger!!

Through all of this, I am forever grateful I was even able to get pregnant, not once but twice. Grateful I carried a baby for 41 weeks (yep she was a week tardy for the party), and had a healthy baby girl! So are we having another baby???

NO. Lol We are all good!

Thank you for letting me share my story and quick answer to if we are having another baby.. xxB