If there were ever a time in life that time actually stopped, it was that moment! It froze!! The room spun around, my hearing went fuzzy, my heart plummeted and I wanted to barf all over the place and knock that lady the eff out all at the same time. She excused herself to go get the head OB and I started balling even more. What just happened? Where is my baby? She has got to be in there? Somewhere? What am I going to do? Aaron is out of state, 4th of July is in 2 days and we were heading to Lake Tahoe for a family vacation. The head OB came in and took a look. I knew he was going to find her in there. He had a very calm energy about him and spoke with a gentle ease. He did not find her. He too confirmed the heartbeat was gone. I had miscarried. At that very moment, I knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything in life.
Yet, mixed with that knowing was fear, pain, failure, undeserving, nervousness that I would be good enough at parenting and crazy scared to death about miscarrying again. I have struggled internally and wanted to share this post since all of this happened but could not allow myself to pull the trigger. I felt like I had failed in some way, let myself down thinking it was me and thought that people would be ashamed of me. I remember, I would take a shower after it all happened and just cry until the hot water ran out. I would sob and sob at all different times through the day and would ask why me. Somehow at that time, I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I could not hold onto a life. But I have since come to peace and know it had nothing to do with me. There was a bigger plan. My sweet girl was on her own time frame and chose me when she was ready!
Today's post is purely to share with you that 1- you never know what another person is going through or has been through (especially these days when it all looks perfect online and through social media), 2- If you ever have to go through this, you will totally understand the mixed feelings about all of it. And if you do not experience it then I urge you to pass on love, kindness and compassion to anyone you encounter that has. 3- I already had 90% of this written and yesterday, I met the sweetest girl and we both shared that we had been through this and I just knew today was the day to publish this post. I have now seen that since I have started to open up more about it and share my story, I now know it is so much more common then it is talked about. Yet why do we not talk about it? I am still trying to figure that one out. But just know that time heals all and it does get better and I got pregnant again 5 months later.
If you have been following along on Parlor Girl, then you know I had a very healthy, second pregnancy. I worked (doing hair) until I was 39 weeks and 3 days on my feet. I had a wonderful labor and have a very healthy, feisty, spirited, incredibly independent little girl who is the absolute love of my life.
I also have to say I have the BEST hubs who was incredibly supportive, loving, kind and gentle during all of it, there are no words to describe my sister and her love and kindness, and the best family and friends a girl could ask for!! I love you all!!
I hope this post can help to give you hope, inspire you to keep going and/or ease your pain and worry. Allow yourself to go through your emotions and know it is not you! Miscarriage should not be hush hush and considered a bad thing. I am so sorry that it is still treated that way these days. Because to me, once you're pregnant, you're already a mama. You feel it, know it, believe it and love that little being from the beginning. When the unthinkable happens, please know you're not alone, please don't be afraid to talk about it because you never know who else has already traveled that path. Women are amazing beings and what does not kill us definitely makes us stronger!!
Through all of this, I am forever grateful I was even able to get pregnant, not once but twice. Grateful I carried a baby for 41 weeks (yep she was a week tardy for the party), and had a healthy baby girl! So are we having another baby???
NO. Lol We are all good!
Thank you for letting me share my story and quick answer to if we are having another baby.. xxB
Thank you for letting me share my story and quick answer to if we are having another baby.. xxB
Thank you for sharing your story Barbie. You are truly a remarkable woman. ~Jeanie Y.
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